Sleeping...

Is at once a most-welcome and most-infuriating thing.


Lately, I find myself staring at a computer screen between the hours of 2 and 5 am, wishing I could sleep. But there's an issue with that-I'm not tired. Why? Because I didn't sleep until 5 am the day before, of course! This is a rather aggravating cycle, brought upon myself via what amounts to fear. That is, fear of experiencing memories of some of the worst experiences I've been through. And despite my relatively young age, I can say that I've been through more traumatizing experiences than most my age. Said memories seem to take a gruesome delight in bombarding my consciousness while I dally in the dreary world between states of being awake and asleep. With such experiences awaiting me should I try and fall asleep, I generally spend my nights staring at a computer screen until I am 2 minutes from passing out, at which point I will gladly drift off. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen until far later than I should be sleeping.

Something is going to have to change...I have to be awake in about 9 hours, and then for the next five weeks I have to be out of the house at 8:40 Monday-Thursday for EMT training. So my options are down to confronting my memories or doing what I do through out the school year-working on a mere four to five hours of sleep, every single day. Sigh.